D.K. Has Some Concerns

Dear Diary,

Today I am officially 2 months old and so far I am NOT impressed with this family I’ve been assigned to.

I know it seems impossible for me to write this diary entry but babies are a lot smarter than people give us credit. I’m using Voice Typing. While they think I’m cooing, I’m actually speaking baby language.

As I was saying, I am not impressed with this family and here’s why:

Mom and Dad are first-time parents…they get a pass. My dad is a huge Batman fan. When I was born, he wanted to name me Bruce Wayne but mom gave him “the look” so he calls me D.K. - short for Dark Knight.

Madea swaddles me so tightly I can’t squeeze out a fart.

Memaw is extremely heavy handed. It’s just a matter of time before my back breaks when she’s burping me.

Great Auntie Birdie has breath that reeks of spoiled milk and poop. She’s always close to my face smiling and talking. Her breathe makes my eyes burn. When it becomes too much, I scream bloody murder until someone takes me away from her.

Great Auntie Max has a funny odor. She’s another one that likes to hold me close.

A week and several baths later, I still smell like her…

mothballs, old people and White Diamonds.

Auntie Coco wears long wigs that always gets in my face and makes my nose itch.

Auntie Sassy has nails that look like claws. Let’s just say when she changes me, I fear castration.

Uncle Roscoe spits when he talks. Need I say more?

Uncle Vic….I don’t think he likes children.

Uncle Jay has more hair in his nose than on his head.

Grandpa can never hold me again. He fell asleep in his chair while holding me. If it weren’t for Cousin Joe-Joe trying to lift Grandpa’s wallet off of him, I would have fell flat on my face.

I wonder if my other baby friends have any of these problems.

I’ll ask when we meet tonight in Dreamland. And if the meeting goes well, I’m also going to ask The Master Creator:

“Hey, Big Guy…Can I have a do-over? With a different family this time?”

~ D.K. ~