The Death of Deena

Dear Diary,

As I turned the corner, I could see Jason’s car in the driveway.  I was on the phone with my best friend, Porsha, venting to her about him coming home at 4:30am.

His best friend, Charlie was in town for the holiday and the two of them had been going out every single night. To top it off, I wasn’t feeling well and was left to take care of a set of very active twins by myself.

Although I was angry with Jason for coming home so late, I was relieved that he did make it home safely.

I couldn’t wait for Charlie to return to Denver. The sooner, the better. I don’t care too much for him. He is a firm believer that women are to be subservient to men. He also believes that women should be seen and not heard and that a woman’s place is at home, not in corporate America. Needless to say, he is not welcomed in my home.

After hanging up the phone with Porsha, I decided not to address the issue with Jason. I just wanted to get through the holidays as peacefully as possible.

I walked in the house and before I could get my coat off, Jason starts in.

“I have some things to say to you.”

Based on his tone, I could tell this wasn’t going to end well.

“I know you’re upset about me going out a lot this past week. And I know you’re upset about me not helping out with the twins, especially with you being sick and all. But I should be able to go out whenever and however many times I choose. And the more I think about it, I don’t have to help with the kids if I don’t want to.”

“And why is that? I didn’t make them by myself.”

“Because Deena, I’m the sole provider for this family. I get up every morning and I go to work to make sure that this family has a roof over their head, electricity, gas, cable, internet and anything else.  And what do you do? Anything? Because all I see is you sitting around doing nothing.”

“Jason, I do more than just sit around doing nothing. I take care of the twins and I take care of this house. When you think about what all that entails - cooking, cleaning and running errands - I do a lot. Plus you know that I’m trying to establish my writing career.”

“Yeah about that, I want you to give that up. It’s a pipe dream.”

“A pipe dream?”

“Yes, Deena, a pipe dream. You’re good but you’re not that good. Everybody is writing a book…good books. What will make your book stand out? What will make people want to buy it? You have enough jobs as it is and this writing business will take away from your responsibilities to me, the kids and this house.”

“It hasn’t so far and it won’t.”

“Deena, your first job is taking care of the kids. That means being available if the school happens to call; making sure they are fed and clean; staying up with them all night if need be; waking up early with them if need be and nursing them back to health when they’re sick. Your second job is this house - keeping it clean, ensuring there is food, cooking, washing the dishes and doing the laundry.  Your third job, which is the most important, is servicing me. I shouldn’t have to beg my wife for sex and I’m not going to any longer. So just forget about this writing business and go back to focusing on me and the kids.”

“But, Jason…”

“I’ve made the decision, Deena. No more writing and that’s that. You understand?”

We stood in total silence. All I could do was stare at him. This is not the Jason I had come to know and love. This was the work of Charlie.

Jason’s gaze kept switching between me and the floor. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally broke the silence.

“You got anything to say?”

 I shook my head no.

“Nothing at all?”

Again, I shook my head no.

I turned and left Jason in the kitchen looking bewildered.  I locked myself in the bathroom and finally released the angry tears that were beginning to sting my eyes.  I replayed the conversation:

“All you see is me sitting around doing nothing? Me becoming a writer is a pipe dream? I’m not good enough to make it? Who would want to buy my books? My job is to service you?! You’ve made the decision?”

How is he going to make a decision about MY life? The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. I knew that if I did not get a handle on it, and soon, I would do something to Jason that could not be reversed.

I closed my eyes. I had to regain my composure and fast.  

Five…

I envisioned rainbows and butterflies but they quickly turned into thunderstorms and bats.

Four…

I began to recite a line from The Color Purple, “Don’t do it, Miss Celie. It ain’t worth it.”  I repeated the phrase over and over again. In the past it always brought laughter but not this time.

Three…

I began to sing my rendition of Be a Lion from The Wiz:

I am standing strong and tall

I’m the bravest of them all

If on courage I must call

Keep on tryin' and tryin', and tryin'

I'm a lion

In my own way

Two…

None of my go-to vices were working. I felt myself shutting down mentally and emotionally. I was dying.

One…

I opened my eyes and looked at my reflection. I no longer recognized the person looking back at me.

“Welcome to the dark side, Deena.”

I walked in without hesitation. The death of Deena was now complete.

~ Deena ~