Dope Autism Mom

Dear Diary,

It’s Autism Awareness Month. You know what that means? You guessed it! A spotlight heavily placed on the autism community for exactly 30 days. There will be loads of feel good stories, discussions about what causes autism, if there is possibly a cure and "How To’s" on effectively dealing with meltdowns.

I have had the pleasure of knowing autism first hand for 12 years now. My twins Corey and CJ have both been diagnosed.

In the beginning, Corey was nonverbal, non-toilet trained, non-responsive, non-everything but he loved music. Today he is slightly verbal, still not toilet trained, responds when he feels likes it but he still loves music.

CJ was and still is high functioning. If you didn't already know he was autistic or didn't recognize the minor things, you would just think he was a shy awkward kid who loves to draw and write stories.

When the boys were first diagnosed, I read and researched everything I could find about children with autism. I wanted to ensure my boys had a productive future. I even read and researched adults with autism. I knew eventually they would grow up to become adults so I needed to make sure that they would still had a productive future. But I never thought to research teens with autism. I don't know why I thought puberty would just skip over them. Autism does not prevent a male child from developing into a man! DUUUUH!

The boys 14th birthday is vastly approaching and I am not ready for it. Puberty has set in. CJ is now taller than Corey (CJ is taller than everybody). But Corey has the deeper voice and the sprouting facial hair. Their physical features are not the only things that have changed. Puberty has also brought on physical strength and a defiant attitude. Corey is definitely feeling himself these days. There have been occasions when he has pushed the boundaries and bucked against the system we worked so hard to establish. He has even gotten physical.

November 2020...

It's 6am and everyone in the house is still sleeping except for me and Corey. I'm getting ready for work and he's in his room watching YouTube videos. I noticed the sound coming from his room getting louder and louder. I go in and tell him to turn the tv down because people are still asleep. He complies. No problem. 10 minutes later the volume is back up. I go into his room again and tell him to turn the tv down...again. He does...again. Still, no problem. As soon as I leave his room, the volume is up once again. This time it's louder than the previous times. I open the door and tell him to turn the volume down. Not only does he ignore me but he begins to sing. LOUDLY! I reach for the tv remote, which is in his hand and he hits me. Mind you, he hit me with an open hand but nonetheless he hit me. At that moment, I no longer see my lanky teenage baby but a man. Without even thinking I hit him back and in the process the remote falls from his hand. He proceeds to move towards me, wildly slapping the air yet unable to connect any of his swings. I manage to grab his wrists and sternly tell him to stop. After three commands he finally stops. I instruct him to use his breathing techniques to chill the hell out. He deeply inhales and exhales several times. Once I see that he's calm, I release the death grip I had on his wrists. He leans in and softly press his lips to my forehead. I knew what that meant. That's his way of saying "I love you." He picks up the remote, turns the tv down and asks for oatmeal and an apple for breakfast. He's back to being a lanky teenager.

As I leave his room to start his breakfast, I'm flooded with every emotion imaginable. Anger, sadness, depression, fear, REVENGE (you get my point). As I stood in the kitchen and replayed the event in my mind, I began to cry. I'm talking that ugly hard cry. How could my Corey Man do such a thing to me? ME! Of all people! ME! His voice! His advocate! His protector! His teacher! His cheerleader! His provider! HIS MOTHER!

I've read stories about parents who lock up, starve, abuse or even kill their autistic children and my first thought would always be, “How could they do such a thing?” After what I had just experienced, I could see how a parent could snap. Especially if they have a child prone to violence. This was a first time thing with Corey and hopefully the last. But I was going to be prepared just in case it happened again.

Being a parent is hard work. But being a special needs parent is a whole other story. I have cried MANY times, cussed A WHOLE LOT, fussed OFTEN, been BEYOND frustrated, been EXTREMELY angry and have felt alone more times than you know. It requires relentless research, continuous learning, a boat load of patience, a great deal of understanding, a fierce fighter’s mentality and unconditional love. Lots and lots of unconditional love.

I will say this, with all of the success and failures, the highs and lows, the wanting to give up, the determination to keep going and the personal meltdowns that come with autism, I would not trade my experiences or my boys for anything in the world.

Until next time, live life to the fullest, laugh often and love hard.

Signed,

One Dope Autism Mom